I have this thing where I over-share, just about all the time. This is fairly obvious given I have a twitter account, blog, youtube and a few other accounts, not all of them are linked. Hell, I have a facebook that I keep private, barely use and have a few connections with people I don’t actually know in real life, but seriously, out of the3/400 some odd people, I don’t really know 8 of them. I’ve just been thinking about why I share so much about my life or my creations without being prompted and I think it’s part of my personal demand to be known and heard. That’s an oxymoronic idealization because I do love being an Internet Nobody because I can say whatever I want, I can express a poorly expressed opinion and either keep it or just forget and ignore it without any sort of public drama.
I was just thinking about the types of things I share on various websites that I don’t talk about often in real life, like my skin disease. I have a lengthy post about it I need to edit before posting, unlike most things I post here on my website, I wrote it offline and decided to force myself to edit it before sharing it. I do go into detail about where my skin disease is and some of those discomforts but that post is really about a personally painful situation where I realized I had to friend-break up with someone because of them. Willfully deciding to not be friends with someone hurts and sucks. John Green has said “It hurt because it mattered.” I don’t know how much this girl actually mattered to me but I know it didn’t help my trust issues.
I would like to know I matter, that someone cares about me and that I’m noticed. I would love to know that someone pays attention to me and that it’s not just people I know in real life. I need to stop taking for granted the people I know in real life and not just love the people I know online. I have followers on a few of my online accounts that I’m shocked by, and flattered that they care about some weirdo in Virginia to follow her back on some account or another. I don’t know, it’s nice but as soon as I get comfortable with one person following me I set weird hopes on someone else. I posted a thing about wanting to be friends with people I know because of the Internet and it’s the truth.
I went from thinking about over sharing and why I do that to just talking about how fucking needy I am. My being needy has generally been a sign of my being depressed, which I have noticed. My neediness is why I want people to pay attention. You’d think oversharing would scare people away but maybe it’s just another type of connection that can be built.
That’s good enough for this idea. With it being December I have so many things on my mind. End of year wrap up, end of formal education and girding my mental loins for dealing with Christmas.
I feel I lost my point but I still want to share my thoughts. :/ Sorry if you thought this was going to be more insightful, I thought it would be more insightful too.