Conflicted

First, thank you to whoever gave my Elementary/Sherlock post a like. I don't know who you are but it is a nice reminder that someone reads this and that my weird analysis and things are agreeable. I was actually really proud of that one, i like doing things like that. That's not what I'm here to talk about though, it's more personal and blah.

So, I'm depressed. I think in part it's fear of my future, what my options are and the lack of knowing where I'll end up from here. I have one job that is possible, there seems to be a good back and forth between me and this company going on. It's not a creative job but I can always do creative things outside of it. It's a 9-5, that leaves me 5-midnight to create and money to print my creations and go to conventions and all the fun things. And most importantly, money to pay off my loans. 

That's not what's bothering me. i'm afraid of the lack of plans. I don't know where my life is headed. I have nothing to work toward, I have no goals. I'm well rested, I'm over rested and probably atrophying as I write. I wake up and read or watch something. i've done a little drawing, nothing really impressive but things I am proud of and want to share with others. Outside of that I'm not doing anything. I haven't touched 100 Days since October when I printed the first 12 days of 2012. I've barely worked out what the story for Cinema chapter 2 and I sort of know what i want to have happen in Lawrence's Diary chapter 2. I'm still trying to plan some 8page stories to print and just pass out for free and then there are a million one off pieces and small series I want to do. I have all the idea just no motivation. I don't need inspiration but motivation which is different and comes from me but I'm having problems seeing the value of anything. 

I'm feeling my usual depressed feeling that no one notices me, no one will care when I leave Norfolk. I felt missed and appreciated in Reston seeing people from high school. It was nice feeling like someone noticed me. I'm invisible. I don't know how much of it is my fault and how much of it is the people I've surrounded myself with but I don't know how to change it. i don't know who to trust, who to seek out. I don't know who cares about me. Maybe it's because I don't care about them.

Something broke in my after my mom died. I know that, I don't think I realized how big and important that something was. Whatever broke I think keeps me from trusting people, or forming real connections. Am I afraid that people will leave me? Am I afraid that people won't understand me? Do I keep pushing people away, and if that's the case why?  I need to find someone to talk to, someone I can trust. I have no idea how to do that. I need to figure out what I've lost since high school, other than my mother, and figure out how to make friends and believe they like me. I need to not feel like I'm invisible. On the upside, crying alone in public is a lot less embarrassing when people don't notice, but that isn't helping. 

I'm a series of conflictions. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I play my cards close to my chest. I'm guarded, I know I'm guarded. i spend a lot of time watching and figuring out how to respond. I'm really bad at living in the moment and experiencing people. I currently want someone I can just sit at home with, watch a movie while drinking and talking about it. I want a hug. I want to feel that people care about me. I know they do, but I don't feel like that do. Also who cares? 

Balls, I'm crying again. Crying and listening to the Avalanches. I'm healthy. Maybe I can find someone soon, both relationship wise and psychiatricly wise. I don't know what's wrong and it needs to be taken care of so I can deal with things. It has been far too long with far too little help. That's my fault, I acknowledge that, now I need to work at fixing it.