Why am I leaving you? I'm afraid in life, Jasmine has always been drawn to the most exciting, the most daring, the most weird. There is tell of a mystical place, far north of here, called Reston. Exciting, because it contains a my childhood home and what I perceive to be my ruin. Daring, because it has the potential to lead to my future and be better than I fear. And weird, well, because I live there (again). And the craftsmen of fantasy, for ladies, gentleman, and those of you who are yet... ...to make up your minds. Tonight I give you, the Kinky Boot Factory.
Well, I don't give you the Kink Boot factory, but I love that movie and some of the monologue, with a few tweaks, works for this announcement. To tell you all the truth, I'd rather not leave Norfolk, I don't want to go home. It's my past, and maybe I don't want to face my past and remember things, and maybe I'm afraid of figments of my imagination but I'd rather not live there again. I sometimes think of myself as being akin to a shark, I need to always be moving forward. That has not been happening these past few months and I've stagnated.
In January i did produce a mini and I am always working on more comics and things but I'm not doing anything with my life. Like many graduates I haven't found a job yet so I have to move home because I can't afford to live here anymore. It has been an experience but I've always said and I've always known that Norfolk isn't where I was going to stay. Maybe I haven't tried as hard as I could to enjoy my present and make stronger connections with people, or maybe I don't need too many close friends, but like I said before I don't feel like I'm integral to anyone's life so mine (and my brothers') are the only lives that I feel will be affected by my soon exodus.
I'm going to be around for the next few weeks, I'm still looking for work, just not permanent work in Virginia, I need to live somewhere else. I've felt I needed to leave Virginia for years and there is a part of me that still hopes that will be possible soon. I mean, I'm currently dreaming of having a chic apartment a cat and living on my own in California. In my dream I live not too far from a studio space and I work on my comics professionally. I get to go to cool things, shows and events and I am what society consideres a successful adult. My success is leaving home and being able to support myself. Maybe that movie will happen before long. I have known for years that Reston is not where i belong, living in Reston will be detrimental so wish me luck that I won't be there for long and I can get on with my life.
This has been sitting waiting until I felt ready to share this. I think I've told most of the people I think would care, which really isn't that many. I don't share every post I make on facebook but they're are posted here, in the open, for any one to read. i don't know who will miss me, I don't know who values me. I feel like no one does but that doesn't make me cry as much as how much I just want encouragement from my family. My brothers are fine, it's the extended family I'm thinking about. I don't need a stern talking to, I don't need or want the lecture right now. I want to not feel like shit about what I have to do because I feel like shit crawling back home, my proverbial tail between my legs and can't I just get a fucking hug? Can't I just get some vague placating nice words and be told it will all be all right instead of being told that I was wrong and I did the wrong shit. The disappointment in their voices hurts so fucking much, but it's not like there's a handbook. It's not like there are job just ripe for the plucking waiting for BFA graduates to rifle through and choose. I just want to feel like something is going right in my life and nothing feels acceptable, let along right, right now.
One last thought, this was written at three different times because of three different emotional states. My brother came down to Norfolk the other day and took away a bunch of boxes of things. Left in my apartment is mostly trash and things that need to be taken to thrift stores and put to use. It's all in good condition so I'm taking some bookshelves to Hope House. I just have to sift through the refuse left and figure out what's really refuse and what's worth to holding on to. I guess that can be said about a few different things and this entire moving situation but it feels different when it is objects and having to figure out what is trash. There are a lot of bags around my apartment that just need to be put out. i think i've accepted what has happened. I hope I find a job soon and can save money and move for real. I have to get some things organized at home when I get back, but if I make a nice stab at putting away some savings then I'll be better prepared to straight up move when the opportunity arises.
Hell, who knows, maybe i'll be lucky and yes, I'm packing now to move north to Reston, but maybe i'll get lucky and find a job somewhere away from here out west soon and I can really move away. That would be the bee's knees.
But with this I say goodbye to you, Norfolk. It has been some years. Neither my best nor my worst years but this has been a formidable experience for me. I've grown from a depressed 18 year old to a depressed and panicky 24 year old over the past few years here. I've had experiences I never imagined as a kid and I've met some very special people. Most importantly, I've had a taste of not being in Reston. I got away and I can psychologically survive on my own away, I now just need to be able to do that financially. I'll be back for visits when possible, and I'm always somewhere on the Internet and pretty easy to find.
Oh, this feels like I'm shutting down my site and not physically moving, but I'm physically moving. I'll try to have a new thing written to post here soon.