Who Needs Me?

I've been quiet for a bit here. I posted some new art at the end of February and I have posted a few videos on Youtube recently, cooking videos. I've been painting recently and not drawing, kind of, so I haven't done any new drawing videos. You saw the Valentine's Day Love Bites embedded in my Valentine's Day post, here's a link to me making Breakfast Puffs

I've recently started noticing the early signs of my depression, it's vague, maybe I'll avoid it, or it's just a slow descent into unease. Maybe i'll share something when I figure out what's wrong. 

After slacking off on looking for a job I looked not too long ago and I for a response from one, possibly promising. I tend to live with no regrets, which mostly means for me not feeling guilt over my decisions. Giving my current situation and the fact that I might be moving back to Reston soon, I regret not looking for a job in earnest in January and February. That's my fault, I might have learned my lesson to not procrastinate and be so self serving. I may have learned that too late, or I'll luck out, get a job and avoid the move of shame. 

I just bought Cake's Comfort Eagle, I really like this version of Short Skirt/Long Jacket, it's more relaxed compared to the B Sides and Rarities version, but both are good. The B Sides version seems to have an earnestness to the wants expressed as opposed to the calm acceptance of the situation that the narrator has in the Comfort Eagle version. 

I've been thinking about the things I share online. The music, the videos, and the people who's stuff I promote and for what it's worth, I only promote things I really like. I mean, I sometimes mention and criticize things I don't like, but I don't have the energy to tell people I don't like them. I don't understand what people get out of actively listening to something when they seem to not like the person hosting or creating that something and then they spend hours antagonizing that person. Are they just upset that this person has and is achieving success where they have failed or have never attempted something for fear of their own success or failure? I'm actively afraid of failure, I'm afraid that people won't like my cartoons, my comics, that people won't like my videos and essays, that people won't like me. But there seem to be plenty of people who like me well enough, not always enough to share my things but should I ask people to share my stuff? I share stuff because it's right, I share stuff because I find it cool and I think the people who follow me will find it interesting. I like to tell people when I like their products, the comics, podcasts, videos I enjoy. If I don't like something, I don't tell the creator, what I dislike isn't all that important. I don't understand the people who go out of their way to tell other people their content is terrible or that they're terrible people for making that content. But I like to let people know that their efforts are appreciated and that enjoyed. I guess it's that simple maxim of 'don't be a dick' I try not to be a dick to people online. People work hard on things and i like to think I'm helping my letting them know that their efforts are appreciated. 

There really isn't a point to anything I'm saying right now, I'm kind of adrift right now, my thoughts are all over the place, I'm not focusing well on anything. Whatever's in front of me is interesting and i've had very little motivation to put anything new in front of me. It's lethargia, I guess. I'm not so far gone that laying on my bed in the dark is an idea to have, I just can't find the point in doing things or not doing things. There's no value to my life right now. 

I think that has been a problem for a while, what is the point of my life? I'm feeling existential or nihilistic, just inquisitive. I don't know what other people get out of knowing me or my existence, and I have nothing to do. I wake up and any plans for my day that i make are pointless. I have to plan what I'm going to eat to keep from reverting to eating empty calories and fat. i have to plan to draw something, or plan to read or watch a TV show. I have to plan to leave and paint. When I don't make these plans I spend my day playing dumb games on my phone, or i do spend my day reading but I get antsy and want to do anything and there's nothing to do. It's too cold to just go for a walk and get out. But anything i do has no value. I'm not bettering or enriching anyone's life and i'm not learning or improving my life, so that's the point? I need something to give my life value, i also need a job. I need to feel needed, which is the crux of my depressing every time, a need to feel needed. Who needs me?