I'd like to start with a statement: I have been drinking, so some thoughts may be more incomplete than usual. Thank you.
I've spent time over the years questioning my sexuality. Many people have, it's what you do from when you're sometime age in your teens until you die or whatever. I have a lot of friends who don't fit into the singular of Heterosexual. I happen to have a lot of friends who also don't prescribe to Heterosexual. I've been cool with the number values, hues and shades of gray (it's really just shades, I'm trying to sound smart. Somedays, I'm just smrt and not really smart).
Many of my friends from high school happen to be not straight. A fair number of my friends in college are not straight (some of them even fall into being not exactly make or female but that's not what I'm discussing, I'm pretty sure I'm cisgendered), but I know enough people who confidently label themselves as bisexual or something other than gay or straight that is sometimes has me wondering what I am.
I mean, I'm fairly certain I'm straight. I have kissed girls, it doesn't do anything for me. Nor does the female body. The male body interacting with the female body, yes. The male body in many situations, yes. The female body, not as much, but I also know I'm not 100 % straight, I doubt anyone is 100% one or the other. In my mind it would extend past sexuality to friendships but that's super extreme, especially for me. I'm generally passive and i like to drive in a fluid middle of non committal answers and ideation.
I went to SPX with a friend who's wandering through the great great area of human sexuality and we went to a panel on Queering the Mainstream of Comics and I picked up Northwest Press's book Anything That Loves. I'm reading the comics and it's making me wonder again, am I straight, but I think it's not that sometimes, I think I need to ask 'how female am I?' but also sometimes "am I straight".
I said I wasn't going to question my gender. Well fuck I lied, I was already going to hell (unless I'm listening to the baller-ass new Pope whose like the Oprah of "you're going to Heaven" if you're a good person). But I don't think I'm not female. I'm comfortable with being female, but I think my presentation of my gender has been in conflict with my sexuality so I haven't really had too many romantic interactions with people and I do what that to change. I want people to like my for my mind, but I don't want to have to wear a dress or parade wearing a sign stating "I'm female and I like men pretty exclusively" to get people to express an interest in me. I feel I actively defy people who do like me and I challenge why they consider me a friend.
I have issues, who doesn't? Shut up, they're lying.
Is there a point, I'm not sure anymore. I'm not sure if there ever was one. I guess I wanted to say that I've been considering my sexuality, but I think it stays where it is. I'm somewhere between 90-95% straight. Ladies don't do anything for me, but I'm not going to be a dick about it. Human sexuality is fluid and it's a cock that people feel the need to put others into boxes and labels that don't fit them. No one knows what I am other and me, and I may not always be right but i'm more right than you. It's the same for any gender presentation/feeling or sexuality presentation/feeling. how someone feels or is is fluid, and that's a good thing. It leaves your options closer to open.
I like saying that people are " not straight" because straight is a fairly understood and defined concept. Gay, queer, bi-, pan-, a- and everything else are so vague that diving people between a definitive and fluid feels less damaging, unless people have given me a definition.
Maybe I'm just saying the title, human sexuality is fluid. It's not my place to try to define what someone else is sexually because I don't know what or how they feel. I'm sure I've failed and have been wrong many times in the past and I'm sorry, I try - most of the time. IF I get it wrong, I'll be understanding as you correct me. I'm just someone adrift in an ocean of solitude with an idea of where I think I ought to end up but the passing boats of others are a pleasant change to my reality.
I'm going to keep reading this book, it gives me the chances to listen to other people's stories and to work at being a more empathetic and compassionate person.