I have a depression thing that has been wrecking havoc with my life for years now and I just went through a bad patch last week. I wanted to write and share it but I was just so happy in my birthday post that I didn't want so much joy to be knocked off the top of the front page. Since then i have gone back and posted a blog from before my show that I never got the chance to upload. But it's not as important to me that people see it immediately.
Last week I went through that thing where I felt unloved, like no one cared about me. I was able to step back and understand that my life isn't all that bad. I had just gone to the grocery store, I have heat, I have clean clothes, I have a car that (mostly) works, there are people who will respond to my super vague, incredibly passive aggressive whining on facebook where I don't explain a damn thing that's been wrong, because I can't.
I'm very particular with the attention I want, who I think I want it from but the response I want. I kind of explained it and why I next to never mention it on Facebook because the only people who I feel understand what I need are people who have been depressed, which is a sad state of affairs. People who haven't been depressed always just say 'be happy' and the response I want to give is 'fuck you. It doesn't work like that.' i spent days just laying on my bed. Not listening to music, not really thinking about much of anything other than all of the reasons why I don't think people should like me and at the same time stressing over not getting compliments over a drawing I posted.
One of the least healthy things I do is craving and seeking validation from other people and not being satisfied with liking myself or my creations. actively needing people to tell me my work is good, it's awful. I didn't get that last week and it's all that was on my mind, I just wanted the validation that I had done good until I had to remember that it was one piece out of hundreds I've done this year alone.
I don't keep track or count of the things I draw and create but it has to be in the low hundreds. All of the comic pages, the long poses in figure, sketches and preparation in print. And i'm sure I create a lot less than the average for an artist of my education, I sometimes try.
Part of me still wants to be told by the person I drew that they like it, but whatever. I'm drawing other things and trying not to be got awful at watercolors now. It'll take a while.
I don't really know what happened to get me out of my depression last week. On Friday I started a watercolor painting of a new 'character' i have and I cleaned the apartment a bit and I felt better than I had in days. Maybe because I sat down to create and try something different, I don't know. My glass class which is usually a source of relief wasn't as much as it usually is, which is sad. Maddening actually. But i got to the end of Friday and was set for Saturday.
Saturday was a great day, one of my favorites from the year, Friendsgiving. It was the second Friendsagiving at Jay and Tatum's Rise and Shine Farm. It's a night of food, drinking, friends, bonfires, fireworks and in general a good time. I got to see people i haven't seen since last year, like Jay and Tatum, but I also met/saw again John John, John, Jon, Jon, John, John :P (So many jon/johns!) but also Trey, Mckenzie, Sarah, Cole, Sager, Riaz, Shannon, and a lot of people. I'm waiting on flickr to upload the photos I took at the festivities but it's being a slow butt.
Saturday morning i shuffled out of bed and started making a macaroni and cheese to take, it was actually ready 2 hours earlier than I thought it'd be, so it got to just sit for a while before I drove out. Before leaving I stopped at the store and bought some sweet potatoes and foil as we could roast them in one of the bonfires after it cooled off a bit and then drove out. I got there a bit early and just hung around as people showed up as evening rolled in. The bonfires were lit and there was music as people stood in groups and huddled in conversation as the liquor flowed and conversation outside of initial groups grew. The mac and cheese went fast, I'm glad it's a simple recipe, i might make 2 next year, i don't know yet. I'll see what sales I can find on cheese.
It was just a fun time walking around and just being around people. My phone was off, to save battery, I was just there in that moment of being. That doesn't happen often. More important to me, I felt wanted and appreciated. People didn't want more out of me than my presence which was nice, i was shown, not just reminded but actually shown, that people do care about me and like me even though they barely know me. I often forget that I can influence people without thinking about it, that there are people who care. There are a lot of people who care about me, we're just spread out and rarely see one another but they're still important.
I made new friends, saw some old friends, had the rummiest hot cider around and it was a good night. I woke up the next morning around 7 and after unfolding myself from my car I took some photos of the other side of the farm where the animals were. (Flicker full album) There were a lot of creatures just running around having a ball, it was nice. Out side of the guard geese who stalked me and the roosters who couldn't help the answer their never ending existential question of whether or not they're roosters by loudly declaring that yes, they are in fact, a rooster. Every one of the roosters is a rooster.
I drove around to the front and took a nape of unknown length and woke up and people were stumbling around cleaning up trash from the night's festivities. We drove out for breakfast and that waitress deserved every penny of her tip dealing with 13 people at 10 Sunday morning who ate off a split check. We were raucous and polite but still. I drove back and crashed and had a quiet sunday in and thought of the night before and reminded myself that there are people who like me, I'm not a bad person and I need to remember just how much fun Friendsgiving is. My car has earned another dead glowstick on the rear view mirror for surviving the there and back.
I have a short week of classes and i'm driving back to Reston tomorrow night after glass, I'm hoping to go the the Dc Kid Koala show, it's cheap I just need to buy a ticket and figure out where the fuck in DC the show is (U Street Music or something, I don't know). I should have something to say next week, we'll see. i thin I'm going to try to write here more often, I was just busy last week. That's okay, i'll be depressed again and need to talk about it so it's not like it's a path I've wandered once.
Let's go out on a rock star.