Holding Markers And My Line Art Is Ruined

I had a contract job with an Online School (OLS). Last week I was on cloud 9 because I was told my contract was going to be extended from 6 weeks to another 6 months. Today, an hour before our early shift was ending I was told I was let go because there wasn't enough work to validate my staying. 

I'm not mad, i'm a little upset and a little annoyed.  

I had spent this morning planning on going to New York for the Brooklyn Comic Art Festival on November 9th, my fucking birthday. And I love my birthday. I was actually proud of myself for not telling people about my birthday in September, because I assume other people find it annoying (Why I love birthdays). I was going to keep quiet until maybe the 20th, but I decided today to say 'fuck it' and mention on twitter how I was thinking about going to Brooklyn. With the job I had I would have been able to. I didn't go to work until 10, it was Monday-Friday so being a bit tired after a train ride would have been fine. 

I can't do that now. Or not yet. 

I was going to be responsible, buy my train tickets while they were a reasonable price and see my family for my birthday (well, mostly the day after) and now I don't know what my next job is going to be or what I'll be able to do. If I buy the ticket I can still go and just say it's a planned trip, retail or office, but still.  

I said on twitter I make a lot of plans last minute, but within bigger plans. It's like having a finished, inked, line art. I know what the piece looks like and now I'm filling in the color or wash. "What tone is this going to be? Not dark enough, better. Let's pattern that, I'll leave that white as detail. Let's go with a burnt umber base and a quick pass with a warm grey marker for a shadow." I know what the piece looks like, but adding the fine detail changes as I'm finishing it. I feel like now I'm looking at a ruined piece, I spilled water across the whole thing and the paper's buckling. 

What do I do now? 

Who Needs Me?

I've been quiet for a bit here. I posted some new art at the end of February and I have posted a few videos on Youtube recently, cooking videos. I've been painting recently and not drawing, kind of, so I haven't done any new drawing videos. You saw the Valentine's Day Love Bites embedded in my Valentine's Day post, here's a link to me making Breakfast Puffs

I've recently started noticing the early signs of my depression, it's vague, maybe I'll avoid it, or it's just a slow descent into unease. Maybe i'll share something when I figure out what's wrong. 

After slacking off on looking for a job I looked not too long ago and I for a response from one, possibly promising. I tend to live with no regrets, which mostly means for me not feeling guilt over my decisions. Giving my current situation and the fact that I might be moving back to Reston soon, I regret not looking for a job in earnest in January and February. That's my fault, I might have learned my lesson to not procrastinate and be so self serving. I may have learned that too late, or I'll luck out, get a job and avoid the move of shame. 

I just bought Cake's Comfort Eagle, I really like this version of Short Skirt/Long Jacket, it's more relaxed compared to the B Sides and Rarities version, but both are good. The B Sides version seems to have an earnestness to the wants expressed as opposed to the calm acceptance of the situation that the narrator has in the Comfort Eagle version. 

I've been thinking about the things I share online. The music, the videos, and the people who's stuff I promote and for what it's worth, I only promote things I really like. I mean, I sometimes mention and criticize things I don't like, but I don't have the energy to tell people I don't like them. I don't understand what people get out of actively listening to something when they seem to not like the person hosting or creating that something and then they spend hours antagonizing that person. Are they just upset that this person has and is achieving success where they have failed or have never attempted something for fear of their own success or failure? I'm actively afraid of failure, I'm afraid that people won't like my cartoons, my comics, that people won't like my videos and essays, that people won't like me. But there seem to be plenty of people who like me well enough, not always enough to share my things but should I ask people to share my stuff? I share stuff because it's right, I share stuff because I find it cool and I think the people who follow me will find it interesting. I like to tell people when I like their products, the comics, podcasts, videos I enjoy. If I don't like something, I don't tell the creator, what I dislike isn't all that important. I don't understand the people who go out of their way to tell other people their content is terrible or that they're terrible people for making that content. But I like to let people know that their efforts are appreciated and that enjoyed. I guess it's that simple maxim of 'don't be a dick' I try not to be a dick to people online. People work hard on things and i like to think I'm helping my letting them know that their efforts are appreciated. 

There really isn't a point to anything I'm saying right now, I'm kind of adrift right now, my thoughts are all over the place, I'm not focusing well on anything. Whatever's in front of me is interesting and i've had very little motivation to put anything new in front of me. It's lethargia, I guess. I'm not so far gone that laying on my bed in the dark is an idea to have, I just can't find the point in doing things or not doing things. There's no value to my life right now. 

I think that has been a problem for a while, what is the point of my life? I'm feeling existential or nihilistic, just inquisitive. I don't know what other people get out of knowing me or my existence, and I have nothing to do. I wake up and any plans for my day that i make are pointless. I have to plan what I'm going to eat to keep from reverting to eating empty calories and fat. i have to plan to draw something, or plan to read or watch a TV show. I have to plan to leave and paint. When I don't make these plans I spend my day playing dumb games on my phone, or i do spend my day reading but I get antsy and want to do anything and there's nothing to do. It's too cold to just go for a walk and get out. But anything i do has no value. I'm not bettering or enriching anyone's life and i'm not learning or improving my life, so that's the point? I need something to give my life value, i also need a job. I need to feel needed, which is the crux of my depressing every time, a need to feel needed. Who needs me?

Conflicted

First, thank you to whoever gave my Elementary/Sherlock post a like. I don't know who you are but it is a nice reminder that someone reads this and that my weird analysis and things are agreeable. I was actually really proud of that one, i like doing things like that. That's not what I'm here to talk about though, it's more personal and blah.

So, I'm depressed. I think in part it's fear of my future, what my options are and the lack of knowing where I'll end up from here. I have one job that is possible, there seems to be a good back and forth between me and this company going on. It's not a creative job but I can always do creative things outside of it. It's a 9-5, that leaves me 5-midnight to create and money to print my creations and go to conventions and all the fun things. And most importantly, money to pay off my loans. 

That's not what's bothering me. i'm afraid of the lack of plans. I don't know where my life is headed. I have nothing to work toward, I have no goals. I'm well rested, I'm over rested and probably atrophying as I write. I wake up and read or watch something. i've done a little drawing, nothing really impressive but things I am proud of and want to share with others. Outside of that I'm not doing anything. I haven't touched 100 Days since October when I printed the first 12 days of 2012. I've barely worked out what the story for Cinema chapter 2 and I sort of know what i want to have happen in Lawrence's Diary chapter 2. I'm still trying to plan some 8page stories to print and just pass out for free and then there are a million one off pieces and small series I want to do. I have all the idea just no motivation. I don't need inspiration but motivation which is different and comes from me but I'm having problems seeing the value of anything. 

I'm feeling my usual depressed feeling that no one notices me, no one will care when I leave Norfolk. I felt missed and appreciated in Reston seeing people from high school. It was nice feeling like someone noticed me. I'm invisible. I don't know how much of it is my fault and how much of it is the people I've surrounded myself with but I don't know how to change it. i don't know who to trust, who to seek out. I don't know who cares about me. Maybe it's because I don't care about them.

Something broke in my after my mom died. I know that, I don't think I realized how big and important that something was. Whatever broke I think keeps me from trusting people, or forming real connections. Am I afraid that people will leave me? Am I afraid that people won't understand me? Do I keep pushing people away, and if that's the case why?  I need to find someone to talk to, someone I can trust. I have no idea how to do that. I need to figure out what I've lost since high school, other than my mother, and figure out how to make friends and believe they like me. I need to not feel like I'm invisible. On the upside, crying alone in public is a lot less embarrassing when people don't notice, but that isn't helping. 

I'm a series of conflictions. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I play my cards close to my chest. I'm guarded, I know I'm guarded. i spend a lot of time watching and figuring out how to respond. I'm really bad at living in the moment and experiencing people. I currently want someone I can just sit at home with, watch a movie while drinking and talking about it. I want a hug. I want to feel that people care about me. I know they do, but I don't feel like that do. Also who cares? 

Balls, I'm crying again. Crying and listening to the Avalanches. I'm healthy. Maybe I can find someone soon, both relationship wise and psychiatricly wise. I don't know what's wrong and it needs to be taken care of so I can deal with things. It has been far too long with far too little help. That's my fault, I acknowledge that, now I need to work at fixing it.

Depression thoughts then Friendsgiving

I have a depression thing that has been wrecking havoc with my life for years now and I just went through a bad patch last week. I wanted to write and share it but I was just so happy in my birthday post that I didn't want so much joy to be knocked off the top of the front page. Since then i have gone back and posted a blog from before my show that I never got the chance to upload. But it's not as important to me that people see it immediately. 

Last week I went through that thing where I felt unloved, like no one cared about me. I was able to step back and understand that my life isn't all that bad. I had just gone to the grocery store, I have heat, I have clean clothes, I have a car that (mostly) works, there are people who will respond to my super vague, incredibly passive aggressive whining on facebook where I don't explain a damn thing that's been wrong, because I can't. 

I'm very particular with the attention I want, who I think I want it from but the response I want. I kind of explained it and why I next to never mention it on Facebook because the only people who I feel understand what I need are people who have been depressed, which is a sad state of affairs. People who haven't been depressed always just say 'be happy' and the response I want to give is 'fuck you. It doesn't work like that.' i spent days just laying on my bed. Not listening to music, not really thinking about much of anything other than all of the reasons why I don't think people should like me and at the same time stressing over not getting compliments over a drawing I posted. 

One of the least healthy things I do is craving and seeking validation from other people and not being satisfied with liking myself or my creations. actively needing people to tell me my work is good, it's awful. I didn't get that last week and it's all that was on my mind, I just wanted the validation that I had done good until I had to remember that it was one piece out of hundreds I've done this year alone.

I don't keep track or count of the things I draw and create but it has to be in the low hundreds. All of the comic pages, the long poses in figure, sketches and preparation in print. And i'm sure I create a lot less than the average for an artist of my education, I sometimes try.

Part of me still wants to be told by the person I drew that they like it, but whatever. I'm drawing other things and trying not to be got awful at watercolors now. It'll take a while.

I don't really know what happened to get me out of my depression last week. On Friday I started a watercolor painting of a new 'character' i have and I cleaned the apartment a bit and I felt better than I had in days. Maybe because I sat down to create and try something different, I don't know. My glass class which is usually a source of relief wasn't as much as it usually is, which is sad. Maddening actually. But i got to the end of Friday and was set for Saturday.

Saturday was a great day, one of my favorites from the year, Friendsgiving. It was the second Friendsagiving at Jay and Tatum's Rise and Shine Farm. It's a night of food, drinking, friends, bonfires, fireworks and in general a good time. I got to see people i haven't seen since last year, like Jay and Tatum, but I also met/saw again John John, John, Jon, Jon, John, John :P (So many jon/johns!) but also Trey, Mckenzie, Sarah, Cole, Sager, Riaz, Shannon, and a lot of people. I'm waiting on flickr to upload the photos I took at the festivities but it's being a slow butt. 

Queuing for food at Friendsgiving

Saturday morning i shuffled out of bed and started making a macaroni and cheese to take, it was actually ready 2 hours earlier than I thought it'd be, so it got to just sit for a while before I drove out. Before leaving I stopped at the store and bought some sweet potatoes and foil as we could roast them in one of the bonfires after it cooled off a bit and then drove out. I got there a bit early and just hung around as people showed up as evening rolled in. The bonfires were lit and there was music as people stood in groups and huddled in conversation as the liquor flowed and conversation outside of initial groups grew. The mac and cheese went fast, I'm glad it's a simple recipe, i might make 2 next year, i don't know yet. I'll see what sales I can find on cheese.

It was just a fun time walking around and just being around people. My phone was off, to save battery, I was just there in that moment of being. That doesn't happen often. More important to me, I felt wanted and appreciated. People didn't want more out of me than my presence which was nice, i was shown, not just reminded but actually shown, that people do care about me and like me even though they barely know me. I often forget that I can influence people without thinking about it, that there are people who care. There are a lot of people who care about me, we're just spread out and rarely see one another but they're still important. 

Good morning start shine, the earth says hello!

Good morning start shine, the earth says hello!

I made new friends, saw some old friends,  had the rummiest hot cider around and it was a good night. I woke up the next morning around 7 and after unfolding myself from my car I took some photos of the other side of the farm where the animals were. (Flicker full album) There were a lot of creatures just running around having a ball, it was nice. Out side of the guard geese who stalked me and the roosters who couldn't help the answer their never ending existential question of whether or not they're roosters by loudly declaring that yes, they are in fact, a rooster. Every one of the roosters is a rooster.

I drove around to the front and took a nape of unknown length and woke up and people were stumbling around cleaning up trash from the night's festivities. We drove out for breakfast and that waitress deserved every penny of her tip dealing with 13 people at 10 Sunday morning who ate off a split check. We were raucous and polite but still. I drove back and crashed and had a quiet sunday in and thought of the night before and reminded myself that there are people who like me, I'm not a bad person and I need to remember just how much fun Friendsgiving is. My car has earned another dead glowstick on the rear view mirror for surviving the there and back. 

I have a short week of classes and i'm driving back to Reston tomorrow night after glass, I'm hoping to go the the Dc Kid Koala show, it's cheap I just need to buy a ticket and figure out where the fuck in DC the show is (U Street Music or something, I don't know). I should have something to say next week, we'll see. i thin I'm going to try to write here more often, I was just busy last week. That's okay, i'll be depressed again and need to talk about it so it's not like it's a path I've wandered once. 

Let's go out on a rock star.

Bella is a rock star.