Who Needs Me?

I've been quiet for a bit here. I posted some new art at the end of February and I have posted a few videos on Youtube recently, cooking videos. I've been painting recently and not drawing, kind of, so I haven't done any new drawing videos. You saw the Valentine's Day Love Bites embedded in my Valentine's Day post, here's a link to me making Breakfast Puffs

I've recently started noticing the early signs of my depression, it's vague, maybe I'll avoid it, or it's just a slow descent into unease. Maybe i'll share something when I figure out what's wrong. 

After slacking off on looking for a job I looked not too long ago and I for a response from one, possibly promising. I tend to live with no regrets, which mostly means for me not feeling guilt over my decisions. Giving my current situation and the fact that I might be moving back to Reston soon, I regret not looking for a job in earnest in January and February. That's my fault, I might have learned my lesson to not procrastinate and be so self serving. I may have learned that too late, or I'll luck out, get a job and avoid the move of shame. 

I just bought Cake's Comfort Eagle, I really like this version of Short Skirt/Long Jacket, it's more relaxed compared to the B Sides and Rarities version, but both are good. The B Sides version seems to have an earnestness to the wants expressed as opposed to the calm acceptance of the situation that the narrator has in the Comfort Eagle version. 

I've been thinking about the things I share online. The music, the videos, and the people who's stuff I promote and for what it's worth, I only promote things I really like. I mean, I sometimes mention and criticize things I don't like, but I don't have the energy to tell people I don't like them. I don't understand what people get out of actively listening to something when they seem to not like the person hosting or creating that something and then they spend hours antagonizing that person. Are they just upset that this person has and is achieving success where they have failed or have never attempted something for fear of their own success or failure? I'm actively afraid of failure, I'm afraid that people won't like my cartoons, my comics, that people won't like my videos and essays, that people won't like me. But there seem to be plenty of people who like me well enough, not always enough to share my things but should I ask people to share my stuff? I share stuff because it's right, I share stuff because I find it cool and I think the people who follow me will find it interesting. I like to tell people when I like their products, the comics, podcasts, videos I enjoy. If I don't like something, I don't tell the creator, what I dislike isn't all that important. I don't understand the people who go out of their way to tell other people their content is terrible or that they're terrible people for making that content. But I like to let people know that their efforts are appreciated and that enjoyed. I guess it's that simple maxim of 'don't be a dick' I try not to be a dick to people online. People work hard on things and i like to think I'm helping my letting them know that their efforts are appreciated. 

There really isn't a point to anything I'm saying right now, I'm kind of adrift right now, my thoughts are all over the place, I'm not focusing well on anything. Whatever's in front of me is interesting and i've had very little motivation to put anything new in front of me. It's lethargia, I guess. I'm not so far gone that laying on my bed in the dark is an idea to have, I just can't find the point in doing things or not doing things. There's no value to my life right now. 

I think that has been a problem for a while, what is the point of my life? I'm feeling existential or nihilistic, just inquisitive. I don't know what other people get out of knowing me or my existence, and I have nothing to do. I wake up and any plans for my day that i make are pointless. I have to plan what I'm going to eat to keep from reverting to eating empty calories and fat. i have to plan to draw something, or plan to read or watch a TV show. I have to plan to leave and paint. When I don't make these plans I spend my day playing dumb games on my phone, or i do spend my day reading but I get antsy and want to do anything and there's nothing to do. It's too cold to just go for a walk and get out. But anything i do has no value. I'm not bettering or enriching anyone's life and i'm not learning or improving my life, so that's the point? I need something to give my life value, i also need a job. I need to feel needed, which is the crux of my depressing every time, a need to feel needed. Who needs me?

I'm Bad at Being Whatever I Am

Every now and again I'm reminded of how bad I am at a) being me and b) being a black person. I don't know where the fault in that second part lies but it is a truth in  my life.  

I grew up in the suburbs, mostly around white people. I'm not 'hood', I don't want to be. I don't want to be whatever the black stereotype is. I don't know if I want to have the black experience, whatever that is. Is it institutionalized racism? Is it being shot at and speaking poor English? Is it being Christian and super religious? I don't know, I just know that when I'm around a lot of black people I get really uncomfortable. I know it's my fault and not them.  

As I'm writing this there's an event going on at the coffee shop I frequent called Weapons of Mass Construction which I've been ignoring. It's so far been a gathering of black people, spoken word poetry, an a Capella quintet and it's currently someone playing bongos or and some cymbals and such. I get anxious in group settings to begin with, I'm not apart of this group, I don't know any of these people, there are far too many for me to want to try. I'd be awkward and I'd focus on how I'm not like them.  

I know I have a superiority complex, I don't know how to rectify myself with that other than acknowledging that I have one. Hell, a few years ago I was insulted when someone asked if I was from Hampton, a historically black city in Virginia. I guess compared to Norfolk it's well educated but I'm from Fairfax County, better educated. I speak proper English, I have the capacity to utilize a broad vocabulary when expressing myself and blah blah blah.  

I'm never more aware of how rarely I'm around black people than when I'm around a bunch of black people I don't know. I do well enough with my family, they know what to expect out of me, I know how to present myself around them but I don't know how to deal with urban or rural black people. I'm not country, I'm not urban, I'm from a city of readers who like stupid sci-fi things, I listen to rock and I guess I'd generally be considered 'white' but I'm not white. To people who don't know me but would see me walking down the street, when I don't look like a man (I need to write out those instances here...they're fun and anxiety inducing), I don't know how often I look like someone from a bad neighborhood or poor education.  

I generally don't notice or think of these things until I'm presented with a lot of what I'm not. I have the intelligence to hold my own around white people and not feel negatively judged but I sometimes feel if I were to act that way around black people I'd be judged for acting like something I'm not even if it is what I am. I'm making negative assumptions now, I'm no better than people on the street, but I don't know where I stand usually. If I ever see a black person like me on TV I'm the friend to the white person. When it's a black show it's some weird type of black person I don't relate to. I don't relate to Tyler Perry, I also never really related to Moesha when it was on in the 90s, I don't have black friends like that or live in a black community. I'm a black person in white communities and I need to learn how to be a black person around black people. I need to work at not making uneducated judgements about black people and accept how they act without acting like I'm better than them or thinking it, because it's probably not true. Everyone has their issues and the things that fuck with them, no matter the color of their skin, I just don't know how to do it because I don't spend time around black people that often. 

I don't know what type of person I want to be but I think to figure that out I have to deal with and accept the type of black person I am. Hell, I never acknowledge that I'm Dominican either. 

What I do know is I'm someone who draws, I'm someone who likes men, I'm someone who like reading, I'm someone dealing with anxiety problems, I'm someone who reads, I'm someone who has graduated college, I'm someone who happens to have brown skin, I'm someone who's over weight, I'm someone who has glasses, I'm someone who needs to understand who they are so they can become a better version of that.