Upcoming Plans

Hi, I'm terrible about updating. 

I currently feel like I'm just dragging my wheels so let's share some plans!

I'm currently working on a recipe zine to (hopefully) be released in April at PIX. I'm tabling PIX again! I didn't want to say 'no' after one poor show so I figured I'd give it another go and try again to sell there. I know returning is a strong consideration to sales, and having new material, I have 3 new books from last March when I tabled, so this would make a 4th new book. 

I, like just about e'urrybody, have recently gotten into Hamilton and I have a few illustrations planned. I've started a 'quick' 2 page comic. It was originally a 3 panel strip, so here's to finishing it soon, it is stopped at 2 pages for the verse that I'm drawing out. I'm tepid on my pencils so I'm hoping that the ink and wash stages will warm me to it more. Some days it's being hypercritical of my art and some days it's my art is honestly bad and I haven't looked since I did these pencils on Thursday so I'm not sure which it actually is right now. 

For my own comics I'm on a slight hiatus which has left me feeling low so the Hamilton ides have been a great boost to creativity honestly. I've been looking for a new job and having little money or motivation has been difficult. My job pays horrendously low and I know we make a killing so it's maddening that I don't get paid more. They'll be fine without me, they were fine before me, but I also know they're doing better with me there so it's frustrating that I'm not compensated better. A friend's mom is trying to help me right now and because I'm trying to focus on jobs I'm trying not to roll too deep into my own creative endeavours, but those would cheer me up so much. I have a micro-story collection I want to write/draw and I've been thinking over how to talk about my skin disease and living with it in a narrative format. I don't have a conclusion because I have nothing to be cured, but I don't have an arc either. Maybe micro stories about living with it would be better. I'm also sitting on 5 different story-worlds that I want to write for and explore and I can't because of the whole job search thing. 

In addition to all of this I was considering foregoing the job route and looking into grants so I can focus on art for a while and those make me panicky. I want to create, but I also need to pay for loans and healthcare and bills. I'm sitting on 3 figures and it's not good enough. Things are too unstable. 

Maybe I'll try to write more. I've recently started taking short walks in the morning, 3 miles in an hour, and doing a few exercises in the house because I'm a very sedentary homebody. I can't tell if it's doing any good yet, I mean, I'm sure it is. And walking is easy so I don't mind. It's just getting up and out. Listening to Hamilton while I'm out is a great motivator because I enjoy it and the first act is so pumped. 

Here, I took some photos on Friday while I was out. And some recent sketches!


Hello Friend, it's 2014

Hmm, hello, it's been a while. I didn't mean for that to happen, I just haven't really been in a 'write an essay' type of mood. I mean, I started my birthday essay but only finished about half of it, the longer half as far as halves are concerned, and I just haven't been in the mood to finish it. I meant to write a year end essay to remember what I did for 2013 but that was mostly lay in bed, be kind of depressed, and be in moderate to massive amounts of pain over the year. And at some point move back to Reston and regress into more of a useless lump of flesh and bones. 

Being a depressing piece of shit aside, I wanted to have something a bit newer to greet people with. I've been drawing a little, I started a daily sketch book and corresponding tumblr. New link in the too. I've also been drawing a bit more than I was at the end of last year, click here and check out some things. i've made all type of big plans that I haven't followed through on because there's drive missing from my life. I read about this actually, not having anything more pressing to do is bad when you want to do things. I mean, I have no reason to realy create. I want to, but I have nothing driving me. I'm bad at this and it's all my fault. I've barely even finished reading a comic other than scans of manga I've read before. I'm mad about it because I'm in the middl of about 10 trades and there are about 5 or so new trades I want to buy, plus the books I bought months ago and haven't watched. I also need to hop on watching the DVD collection my brother gave me for Christmas, 20 Warner Oscar nominated films. The type of thing I love, and I've just been laying about all the time, barely leaving the house. Sometimes seeing friends.

I've written in the past that Reston is toxic to my existence, and my inability and non-desire to do anything right now is proof of that.Right now it's too easy for me to not do anything and to not be responsible, and I don't have it in me to be able to get up and give my days real meaning, and that sucks. I want to do things that make me a better person, a better artist and someone to be put on 'artists to look out for' lists, but I can't do that here and it's something that not everyone around me understands.  Reston is not a bad place, and I don't think I've ever said that. It's a bit boring and a bit sleepy at times but it's not a bad place. It's also not somewhere I can thrive or even exist, it's missing something for me to feed off of to be able to move on. I can be sleepy anywhere, but I'd rather be able to use my home as a respite from an energetic world than trying to make my home energetic, that's not the type of person i am. I'm introverted enough to be fine alone, but I need outside stimuli to remind me that there's something worth anything in life. 

God, and this was supposed to be cheery. Fuck. okay. The other day I posted an okay Adventure Time sketch on intstagram and Thuop van Orman gave it a like. That was pretty cool. Back in November I participated in an Improve Everywhere MP3 experiment, still waiting on them to edit that video and post it. And a preview from my hella belated birthday essay, I met Dean Haspiel at the Brooklyn Comic art Festival and he remembered me from when we met at SPX in 2012 and was excited when I offered him my mini.

There, something positive. 

Holding Markers And My Line Art Is Ruined

I had a contract job with an Online School (OLS). Last week I was on cloud 9 because I was told my contract was going to be extended from 6 weeks to another 6 months. Today, an hour before our early shift was ending I was told I was let go because there wasn't enough work to validate my staying. 

I'm not mad, i'm a little upset and a little annoyed.  

I had spent this morning planning on going to New York for the Brooklyn Comic Art Festival on November 9th, my fucking birthday. And I love my birthday. I was actually proud of myself for not telling people about my birthday in September, because I assume other people find it annoying (Why I love birthdays). I was going to keep quiet until maybe the 20th, but I decided today to say 'fuck it' and mention on twitter how I was thinking about going to Brooklyn. With the job I had I would have been able to. I didn't go to work until 10, it was Monday-Friday so being a bit tired after a train ride would have been fine. 

I can't do that now. Or not yet. 

I was going to be responsible, buy my train tickets while they were a reasonable price and see my family for my birthday (well, mostly the day after) and now I don't know what my next job is going to be or what I'll be able to do. If I buy the ticket I can still go and just say it's a planned trip, retail or office, but still.  

I said on twitter I make a lot of plans last minute, but within bigger plans. It's like having a finished, inked, line art. I know what the piece looks like and now I'm filling in the color or wash. "What tone is this going to be? Not dark enough, better. Let's pattern that, I'll leave that white as detail. Let's go with a burnt umber base and a quick pass with a warm grey marker for a shadow." I know what the piece looks like, but adding the fine detail changes as I'm finishing it. I feel like now I'm looking at a ruined piece, I spilled water across the whole thing and the paper's buckling. 

What do I do now? 

Life or something like it

Hey, hello, it's been a long time. I remember when I updated this blog weekly, then nothing happened so I had nothing to share, or I was depressed and blah blah blah. Then I was just posting essays, or reposting older essays that I hadn't even bothered to edit. 

A lot has changed. 

Since the last post I have been hired at two places. One is a full time, contract gig at a call center for online school enrollment.  The other is part time at a grocery store. Between these two I'm working around 60 hours a week, so I have next to no energy or time for anything else. So of course I spent some time recently editing some stories, updating my resume and writing about me for an internship with a magazine. If I get that job I'll be working around 80 hours a week, maybe 90, so I'm living something like a life. 

Thankfully the 90 hours wouldn't be for long. If I get hired to stay at the call center I'll leave the grocery store, but chicken and eggs.  

I'm honestly just tired all the time. My right wrist (the drawing one) aches just about all the time from the repetitive motions at the grocery store, so drawing will be fun when I get to do that more often. I'm hoping sometime soon I can get a more guaranteed 40hr/wk job so I can leave the store and spend my evenings working on comics and enjoying anything. I just have very little time for anything but working someplace or another right now. 

I have done some small sketches, they can be seen on instagram when I post them and I recently spent some time posting some summer sketches to my sketch blog. I'm currently thinking about working on an art book, comic book sized (8x10.5?) to print for Small Press Expo 2014, here's to being able to work on that soon. I've recently fallen back in love with ink and inkwashes, so I want to work on a book of figures and pin ups for next year, I don't know how many pages, I guess I'll see how many pieces I can do then I'll figure out how I want to print it. 

I'm looking forward to SPX this year. It'll be another great weekend, I'm sure, and it's also the one year anniversary of this site, so that's fun. Maybe I'll be able to make something special for that. I ought to design new business cards some time soon, maybe add my twitter, I'm not sure if I'm ready for that to get out yet. 

We'll see.  

What else is going on in my life? Nothing, just work and it sucks. I have no energy or time for paramours, or to even consider looking. I don't know if I've said this here before, but I first came to terms with becoming an old maid when I was 16, so....I think I first need to leave Reston, then find some one to spend my life with. Ehh, I have friends who put up with my shit, I'm good. 

All right you freaks and weirdos, thanks for hanging out for a few and reading about how my dumb life is dumb. I'll keep talking about it and letting you know where things are headed from here and maybe I'll be able to share some freaking art soon. I mean, I just bought a tablet, I just think what I'm doing is shit so I don't want to share it here until I feel it looks like I'm competent at drawing.  

Good Bye, Norfolk

Why am I leaving you? I'm afraid in life, Jasmine has always been drawn to the most exciting, the most daring, the most weird. There is tell of a mystical place, far north of here, called Reston. Exciting, because it contains a my childhood home and what I perceive to be my ruin. Daring, because it has the potential to lead to my future and be better than I fear. And weird, well, because I live there (again). And the craftsmen of fantasy, for ladies, gentleman, and those of you who are yet... ...to make up your minds. Tonight I give you, the Kinky Boot Factory.

Well, I don't give you the Kink Boot factory, but I love that movie and some of the monologue, with a few tweaks, works for this announcement. To tell you all the truth, I'd rather not leave Norfolk, I don't want to go home. It's my past, and maybe I don't want to face my past and remember things, and maybe I'm afraid of figments of my imagination but I'd rather not live there again. I sometimes think of myself as being akin to a shark, I need to always be moving forward. That has not been happening these past few months and I've stagnated. 

In January i did produce a mini and I am always working on more comics and things but I'm not doing anything with my life. Like many graduates I haven't found a job yet so I have to move home because I can't afford to live here anymore. It has been an experience but I've always said and I've always known that Norfolk isn't where I was going to stay. Maybe I haven't tried as hard as I could to enjoy my present and make stronger connections with people, or maybe I don't need too many close friends, but like I said before I don't feel like I'm integral to anyone's life so mine (and my brothers') are the only lives that I feel will be affected by my soon exodus.

I'm going to be around for the next few weeks, I'm still looking for work, just not permanent work in Virginia, I need to live somewhere else. I've felt I needed to leave Virginia for years and there is a part of me that still hopes that will be possible soon. I mean, I'm currently dreaming of having a chic apartment  a cat and living on my own in California. In my dream I live not too far from a studio space and I work on my comics professionally. I get to go to cool things, shows and events and I am what society consideres a successful adult. My success is leaving home and being able to support myself. Maybe that movie will happen before long. I have known for years that Reston is not where i belong, living in Reston will be detrimental so wish me luck that I won't be there for long and I can get on with my life. 

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This has been sitting waiting until I felt ready to share this. I think I've told most of the people I think would care, which really isn't that many. I don't share every post I make on facebook but they're are posted here, in the open, for any one to read. i don't know who will miss me, I don't know who values me. I feel like no one does but that doesn't make me cry as much as how much I just want encouragement from my family. My brothers are fine, it's the extended family I'm thinking about. I don't need a stern talking to, I don't need or want the lecture right now. I want to not feel like shit about what I have to do because I feel like shit crawling back home, my proverbial tail between my legs and can't I just get a fucking hug? Can't I just get some vague placating nice words and be told it will all be all right instead of being told that I was wrong and I did the wrong shit. The disappointment in their voices hurts so fucking much, but it's not like there's a handbook. It's not like there are job just ripe for the plucking waiting for BFA graduates to rifle through and choose. I just want to feel like something is going right in my life and nothing feels acceptable, let along right, right now.  

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One last thought, this was written at three different times because of three different emotional states. My brother came down to Norfolk the other day and took away a bunch of boxes of things. Left in my apartment is mostly trash and things that need to be taken to thrift stores and put to use. It's all in good condition so I'm taking some bookshelves to Hope House. I just have to sift through the refuse left and figure out what's really refuse and what's worth to holding on to. I guess that can be said about a few different things and this entire moving situation but it feels different when it is objects and having to figure out what is trash. There are a lot of bags around my apartment that just need to be put out. i think i've accepted what has happened. I hope I find a job soon and can save money and move for real. I have to get some things organized at home when I get back, but if I make a nice stab at putting away some savings then I'll be better prepared to straight up move when the opportunity arises. 

Hell, who knows, maybe i'll be lucky and yes, I'm packing now to move north to Reston, but maybe i'll get lucky and find a job somewhere away from here out west soon and I can really move away. That would be the bee's knees.

But with this I say goodbye to you, Norfolk. It has been some years. Neither my best nor my worst years but this has been a formidable experience for me. I've grown from a depressed 18 year old to a depressed and panicky 24 year old over the past few years here. I've had experiences I never imagined as a kid and I've met some very special people. Most importantly, I've had a taste of not being in Reston. I got away and I can psychologically survive on my own away, I now just need to be able to do that financially. I'll be back for visits when possible, and I'm always somewhere on the Internet and pretty easy to find.

Oh, this feels like I'm shutting down my site and not physically moving, but I'm physically moving. I'll try to have a new thing written to post here soon.