Oversharing and a Demand to be Heard

I have this thing where I over-share, just about all the time. This is fairly obvious given I have a twitter account, blog, youtube and a few other accounts, not all of them are linked. Hell, I have a facebook that I keep private, barely use and have a few connections with people I don’t actually know in real life, but seriously, out of the3/400 some odd people, I don’t really know 8 of them. I’ve just been thinking about why I share so much about my life or my creations without being prompted and I think it’s part of my personal demand to be known and heard. That’s an oxymoronic idealization because I do love being an Internet Nobody because I can say whatever I want, I can express a poorly expressed opinion and either keep it or just forget and ignore it without any sort of public drama.

I was just thinking about the types of things I share on various websites that I don’t talk about often in real life, like my skin disease. I have a lengthy post about it I need to edit before posting, unlike most things I post here on my website, I wrote it offline and decided to force myself to edit it before sharing it. I do go into detail about where my skin disease is and some of those discomforts but that post is really about a personally painful situation where I realized I had to friend-break up with someone because of them. Willfully deciding to not be friends with someone hurts and sucks. John Green has said “It hurt because it mattered.” I don’t know how much this girl actually mattered to me but I know it didn’t help my trust issues.

I would like to know I matter, that someone cares about me and that I’m noticed. I would love to know that someone pays attention to me and that it’s not just people I know in real life. I need to stop taking for granted the people I know in real life and not just love the people I know online. I have followers on a few of my online accounts that I’m shocked by, and flattered that they care about some weirdo in Virginia to follow her back on some account or another. I don’t know, it’s nice but as soon as I get comfortable with one person following me I set weird hopes on someone else. I posted a thing about wanting to be friends with people I know because of the Internet and it’s the truth.

I went from thinking about over sharing and why I do that to just talking about how fucking needy I am. My being needy has generally been a sign of my being depressed, which I have noticed.  My neediness is why I want people to pay attention. You’d think oversharing would scare people away but maybe it’s just another type of connection that can be built.

That’s good enough for this idea. With it being December I have so many things on my mind. End of year wrap up, end of formal education and girding my mental loins for dealing with Christmas.

I feel I lost my point but I still want to share my thoughts. :/ Sorry if you thought this was going to be more insightful, I thought it would be more insightful too.

The Morality of Opinion

I'm sitting in my drawing studio class, I had been working with my headphones but the teacher was in the room talking for a moment and that was long enough to get me into the most irritating conversation.

I don't use Macs, I don't like Apple and I don't really care. I've never been one to follow fads and I guess it's still biting me on the ass that I don't care about having to prove I'm an artist by having the same type of computer as every else.

I mostly don't fucking care, but I shouldn't have to defend my opinion. I don't care if you use a Mac, I'm not going to. Just like how I don't care if you wear high heels, wear a dress, a tie, boots, vest, cummerbund, use Dove, Dial, Gain, Tide, Shout. Whatever. You personal opinions don't affect me in the least so why do you care so much that I don't use the same thing as you. 

I'm not directly arguing with you the reader, it's more the idea of people who get mad that i don't like the things they like.

I made my opinion, I shouldn't have to defend it because I don't care about what you use. I hate the morality or self-identification that goes on with people who do or don't use something. Does my choice of computer ever affect you? Most likely it never will so why do I have to defend the statement 'I don't like Apple'. If I said 'I don't like beef' or 'I don't like dresses' would people be so defensively aggressive to force me to explain that opinion? I don't like a lot of things, I absolutely adore a lot of other things. 

Who cares. I'm not telling you you have to like what I like, you ought to do you. If you want to like something I don't like, do it up. Computer OS seems to be one of the few things that people feel so strongly about that they must know why other people don't feel the same as them. What does it matter? I use my computer to dick around on the Internet, listen to music and watch stuff. Not much else to be honest. I write stuff as necessary and a few other things. 

I say I don't care, and i really don't. I write this because i'm annoyed at the idea that I should have to defend my opinions on things that don't affect other people. Yes, I put forward the information that I don't like Apple but what does me opinion have to to with you? Because I don't follow the grain does that offend you? Does my not liking the exact same things as you make you feel like you're less of a person? Do you think you're better than me and you want to have an itemized list of reasons why you're better? Why does my opinion on a fucking OS affect you that much?

This same fucking thing happens when I share that I don't like beer. It doesn't taste good, oh, I haven't had the right beer.

Fuck that.

Does it really matter? If I want to get drunk and I like my methods for inebriation doesn't it matter how I get drunk? How does my choice for my life affect you? It doesn't. I like whiskey and rum as my main libations, I have plenty of friends who can't drink them without a chaser or only if it's in a mixed drink. I just like them to be iced/watered and I'm good to go. But who cares? Or are these people trying to make a connection and they want to understand why I'm not on board to make these same connections? There are other more pertinent things than what type of computer I use to decide if we're similar enough or if we're the type of people who'd be good friends. 

I'm just tired of feeling like someone judging me just because I don't live like them. I have no problem with what people do with their lives that affect them. 

My insistence that I don't care reminds me of a few months ago when I met this dude and he said he was impressed by me and not caring about stuff. I care, I'm a fucking bleeding heart liberal, butt the things I care about are more than transient. I care about the underlying morality of a person, if they're a good person, do they help others? I care things that are at someone's core, not if they're wearing or using the most popular toy of the day. That's transient, that's a detail, are they valuable to society and how is far more important to me than just the outer layers. 

I think that's why i'm so mad about this, and I am, I'm mad that people seem to be judging me as a person for something as dumb as the computer I use.

Since I don't consider my computer that big a deal, why not get a Mac and shut people up? That would feel like I'm giving into the pressure of conformity. I also don't need what a Mac can do to do what I want or need to. I just feel like people need to stop judging people for stupid things like where they shop and judge them for more important things like how they treat their fellow man.