Hello Friend, it's 2014

Hmm, hello, it's been a while. I didn't mean for that to happen, I just haven't really been in a 'write an essay' type of mood. I mean, I started my birthday essay but only finished about half of it, the longer half as far as halves are concerned, and I just haven't been in the mood to finish it. I meant to write a year end essay to remember what I did for 2013 but that was mostly lay in bed, be kind of depressed, and be in moderate to massive amounts of pain over the year. And at some point move back to Reston and regress into more of a useless lump of flesh and bones. 

Being a depressing piece of shit aside, I wanted to have something a bit newer to greet people with. I've been drawing a little, I started a daily sketch book and corresponding tumblr. New link in the too. I've also been drawing a bit more than I was at the end of last year, click here and check out some things. i've made all type of big plans that I haven't followed through on because there's drive missing from my life. I read about this actually, not having anything more pressing to do is bad when you want to do things. I mean, I have no reason to realy create. I want to, but I have nothing driving me. I'm bad at this and it's all my fault. I've barely even finished reading a comic other than scans of manga I've read before. I'm mad about it because I'm in the middl of about 10 trades and there are about 5 or so new trades I want to buy, plus the books I bought months ago and haven't watched. I also need to hop on watching the DVD collection my brother gave me for Christmas, 20 Warner Oscar nominated films. The type of thing I love, and I've just been laying about all the time, barely leaving the house. Sometimes seeing friends.

I've written in the past that Reston is toxic to my existence, and my inability and non-desire to do anything right now is proof of that.Right now it's too easy for me to not do anything and to not be responsible, and I don't have it in me to be able to get up and give my days real meaning, and that sucks. I want to do things that make me a better person, a better artist and someone to be put on 'artists to look out for' lists, but I can't do that here and it's something that not everyone around me understands.  Reston is not a bad place, and I don't think I've ever said that. It's a bit boring and a bit sleepy at times but it's not a bad place. It's also not somewhere I can thrive or even exist, it's missing something for me to feed off of to be able to move on. I can be sleepy anywhere, but I'd rather be able to use my home as a respite from an energetic world than trying to make my home energetic, that's not the type of person i am. I'm introverted enough to be fine alone, but I need outside stimuli to remind me that there's something worth anything in life. 

God, and this was supposed to be cheery. Fuck. okay. The other day I posted an okay Adventure Time sketch on intstagram and Thuop van Orman gave it a like. That was pretty cool. Back in November I participated in an Improve Everywhere MP3 experiment, still waiting on them to edit that video and post it. And a preview from my hella belated birthday essay, I met Dean Haspiel at the Brooklyn Comic art Festival and he remembered me from when we met at SPX in 2012 and was excited when I offered him my mini.

There, something positive. 

Good Bye, Norfolk

Why am I leaving you? I'm afraid in life, Jasmine has always been drawn to the most exciting, the most daring, the most weird. There is tell of a mystical place, far north of here, called Reston. Exciting, because it contains a my childhood home and what I perceive to be my ruin. Daring, because it has the potential to lead to my future and be better than I fear. And weird, well, because I live there (again). And the craftsmen of fantasy, for ladies, gentleman, and those of you who are yet... ...to make up your minds. Tonight I give you, the Kinky Boot Factory.

Well, I don't give you the Kink Boot factory, but I love that movie and some of the monologue, with a few tweaks, works for this announcement. To tell you all the truth, I'd rather not leave Norfolk, I don't want to go home. It's my past, and maybe I don't want to face my past and remember things, and maybe I'm afraid of figments of my imagination but I'd rather not live there again. I sometimes think of myself as being akin to a shark, I need to always be moving forward. That has not been happening these past few months and I've stagnated. 

In January i did produce a mini and I am always working on more comics and things but I'm not doing anything with my life. Like many graduates I haven't found a job yet so I have to move home because I can't afford to live here anymore. It has been an experience but I've always said and I've always known that Norfolk isn't where I was going to stay. Maybe I haven't tried as hard as I could to enjoy my present and make stronger connections with people, or maybe I don't need too many close friends, but like I said before I don't feel like I'm integral to anyone's life so mine (and my brothers') are the only lives that I feel will be affected by my soon exodus.

I'm going to be around for the next few weeks, I'm still looking for work, just not permanent work in Virginia, I need to live somewhere else. I've felt I needed to leave Virginia for years and there is a part of me that still hopes that will be possible soon. I mean, I'm currently dreaming of having a chic apartment  a cat and living on my own in California. In my dream I live not too far from a studio space and I work on my comics professionally. I get to go to cool things, shows and events and I am what society consideres a successful adult. My success is leaving home and being able to support myself. Maybe that movie will happen before long. I have known for years that Reston is not where i belong, living in Reston will be detrimental so wish me luck that I won't be there for long and I can get on with my life. 

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This has been sitting waiting until I felt ready to share this. I think I've told most of the people I think would care, which really isn't that many. I don't share every post I make on facebook but they're are posted here, in the open, for any one to read. i don't know who will miss me, I don't know who values me. I feel like no one does but that doesn't make me cry as much as how much I just want encouragement from my family. My brothers are fine, it's the extended family I'm thinking about. I don't need a stern talking to, I don't need or want the lecture right now. I want to not feel like shit about what I have to do because I feel like shit crawling back home, my proverbial tail between my legs and can't I just get a fucking hug? Can't I just get some vague placating nice words and be told it will all be all right instead of being told that I was wrong and I did the wrong shit. The disappointment in their voices hurts so fucking much, but it's not like there's a handbook. It's not like there are job just ripe for the plucking waiting for BFA graduates to rifle through and choose. I just want to feel like something is going right in my life and nothing feels acceptable, let along right, right now.  

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One last thought, this was written at three different times because of three different emotional states. My brother came down to Norfolk the other day and took away a bunch of boxes of things. Left in my apartment is mostly trash and things that need to be taken to thrift stores and put to use. It's all in good condition so I'm taking some bookshelves to Hope House. I just have to sift through the refuse left and figure out what's really refuse and what's worth to holding on to. I guess that can be said about a few different things and this entire moving situation but it feels different when it is objects and having to figure out what is trash. There are a lot of bags around my apartment that just need to be put out. i think i've accepted what has happened. I hope I find a job soon and can save money and move for real. I have to get some things organized at home when I get back, but if I make a nice stab at putting away some savings then I'll be better prepared to straight up move when the opportunity arises. 

Hell, who knows, maybe i'll be lucky and yes, I'm packing now to move north to Reston, but maybe i'll get lucky and find a job somewhere away from here out west soon and I can really move away. That would be the bee's knees.

But with this I say goodbye to you, Norfolk. It has been some years. Neither my best nor my worst years but this has been a formidable experience for me. I've grown from a depressed 18 year old to a depressed and panicky 24 year old over the past few years here. I've had experiences I never imagined as a kid and I've met some very special people. Most importantly, I've had a taste of not being in Reston. I got away and I can psychologically survive on my own away, I now just need to be able to do that financially. I'll be back for visits when possible, and I'm always somewhere on the Internet and pretty easy to find.

Oh, this feels like I'm shutting down my site and not physically moving, but I'm physically moving. I'll try to have a new thing written to post here soon.